Came across this while browsing the net. It's a bit dated but it still cracks me up. So for all you business people out there, go have a read. It's an ad from a paper in NYC.
THE AD
What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful
(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy.
I’m not from New York . I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at
least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind
that a million a year is middle class in New York City , so I don’t think
I’m overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could
you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won’t get
me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married
to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty as
I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I
get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won’t hurt my
feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I’m 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I’ve seen really ‘plain jane’ boring types who have
nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I’ve seen drop dead
gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What’s the story
there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment
banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they
hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for
MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - I’m putting myself out there in an honest
way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I’m being up front
about it. I wouldn’t be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn’t
able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.
—————————————————————————–
THE RESPONSE
PostingID: 432279810
Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I’m not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here’s how I
see it.
Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
cr@ppy business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you
suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring
my money. Fine, simple. But here’s the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity…in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t
be getting any more beautiful!
So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you’re 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in
earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy
and hold…hence the rub…marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense
to “buy you” (which is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease. In case
you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It’s
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So,
I wonder why a girl as “articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful”
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn’t found you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way.
Classic “pump and dump.”
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
lease, let me know.
HER RESPONSETo the gentleman who called me a depreciating asset - 25 (Financial District)
Reply to: pers-445962092@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-10-11, 8:23AM EDT
Dear Sir,
I must confess that I was somewhat taken aback upon reading your
email. Indeed, it has taken some time for me to sufficiently recuperate
from my surprise. Lest your confidence quickly inflate for little
reason (as we know is the predisposition for Wall St. types), allow me
to hasten to reassure you that the source of my surprise was neither
your candor nor the accuracy of your perception. Indeed, it is your
“claimed” success in light of your poor grasp of economics which has me
baffled. If the standards required to meet with financial success on
Wall St. have sunk so low, perhaps I should indeed “make my own money”,
except for the fact that the effort/reward ratio is far too high for my
liking - especially when so many of your ilk have displayed a far more
cogent grasp of market realities than you have.
By now you are likely scratching your ever-vanishing hairline in
confusion, so allow me to elaborate, dear man. To build some
credibility I will tell you a bit more about yourself. Though you did
not mention the details of your occupation, it is clear that you are an
investment banker and not a trader, as any good trader would understand
that human courtships are based upon a semi-efficient open market, and
not an investment banking cartel. However, your inability to grasp the
realities of the dating market is not surprising, given that you have
successfully employed the tools of collusion and market manipulation
rather that true acumen in your supposed wealth generation.
If your grasp of finance were not a minority partner with your
ego, you would realize that the “outflows” associated with my
depreciating “assets” are quite certain, and therefore subject to a low
discount rate when determining their present value. In addition, though
your concept of economics evidentially failed to move past the 1950s,
advancement in plastic surgery is not subject to the same limitation.
Thus, with some additional capital expenditure, the overall lifetime of
“outflows” generated by these assets is greatly increased. Sad that
Ashton Kutcher has demonstrated understanding of the female asset class
which you, in all of your financial “wisdom”, have not.
You, on the other hand, are, given the uncertainty of the Wall
St. job market, more of an inflation-indexed junk bond with an
underwater nested call option. Though you may argue that you are more
of an equity investment, my monetary minimums required from you do not
change, and if you are unable to pay them, I will liquidate you without
the benefit of a chapter 11, just as you would me.
Because your outflows are so much more uncertain with respect to
mine, I require additional compensation in the form of a underwater
nested call option on your future assets. I say underwater because,
even taking into account the value of your junk bond coupon payment to
me, the value of my “outflow” is in excess of the market price of your
equity (which is quite low due to its riskiness associated with your
poor grasp of finance and my existing claim upon your junk bond coupon).
I must thank you though for raising the question, despite the
reputation cost of subjecting your weak logic to such widespread
scrutiny. This took either considerable courage or ignorance on your
part- and we’ll give you the benefit of doubt, just this once. My
current boyfriend (a trader who lives in Central Park West, of course)
and I thoroughly enjoyed discussing your response and we wish you the
best of luck in your unhappy pursuit of that elusive market
inefficiency.
My Comments:
Whoa, what's with the complexity in the last reply? Clearly trying to sound intelligent.
Anyway, I couldn't stop laughing after reading this. But clearly, such blatent materialism leaves a sour taste in my mouth. And to the guys, what about inner beauty? Some guys do look at the heart you know. Not just the area around it. Haha.
